Some proof that I’m writing again, for those that care enough to read it. I would recommend reading parts one and two here ( https://m.fanfiction.net/s/9589750/1/Taking-Steps-Is-Easy-Standing-Still-Is-Hard ) if you haven’t, just so the story isn’t completely confusing. Anyway, this is the beginning of part 3 and it’s pretty angsty, so if boredom overcomes you and you wanna get sad…I’m totally your girl.
(THIS IS HOW IT WORKS)
She feels overwhelmed.
That’s really the only thing Quinn has properly analyzed since leaving Rachel’s apartment.
She slipped out the front door easily while everyone else was embracing the new year with new promises and newly opened bottles of champagne. It’s strange, but now that Quinn’s older she feels like both go hand in hand.
It’s cold. Cold enough that Quinn has to cross her arms, hunch her shoulders, and hope for the best. But she keeps on walking, which is important. She keeps on walking home.
She feels a lot of things, honestly. She feels like she was dunked in a boiling pot of emotion and her mind doesn’t know which pain to address first.
The first thought invades her mind quickly. Like a person with an agenda, it attacks all other forms of thought until the only thing left standing is the realization that Santana kissed her. Like really kissed her.
Quinn doesn’t give her mind enough time to settle before she’s shaking her head furiously at the memory of Santana’s lips touching hers. She’s not that girl anymore, she’s not going to obsess over some stupid kiss that Santana took upon herself to act out.
Quinn tells herself repeatedly on the walk home that it doesn’t matter what happened tonight, that none of it is really important anymore because she’s not Lucy anymore. The sad stuff doesn’t matter. She’s not sixteen and she’s sure as hell not crying in the bathroom over Santana and her empty promises.
She doesn’t need friends (not that Santana was ever just a friend), she tells herself, because she has New York and a scholarship to NYU and she’s doing things with her life. And when you’re doing things—big things, beautiful things— there’s no need for loneliness. There’s no need for comrades in the form of friends.
Except…outside of New York and the bustle of the city, she really only has a lot of late nights. But it’s okay, she thinks, it’s normal when you’re changing your life.
Except…sometimes she does get sad and sometimes she is lonely. But that’s okay, right? It’s perfectly acceptable to feel lonely sometimes in a city with eighteen million other people. She wasn’t immune to the feelings of life.
Except…sometimes she feels like she’s sixteen again. And not in the sense that she’s caught between inaction and awe, but in the sense that she’s…scared.
At a loss.
Quinn feels sixteen again not because she’s struck with the familiar pangs of love and heartache, but because she doesn’t know where to go from here. With herself, with Rachel, or even with Santana.
The big illusion associated with growing up and growing old is that you don’t have to be that person you were, not anymore. The lie is in the fine print, listed between all the years it takes for you to separate yourself from the person you used to be, only for you to realize later that you’re still that person.
The illusion is this: growing old means growing up, and doing both means that you’ll be granted answers to all the things you never really knew in your youth. Because with age comes wisdom. That’s what everyone says, and like a downright fool, Quinn had bought it. She was sold quicker than the newest remake of the iPhone.
She sees her mistake now, as she walks home at nearly one in the morning. It’s a different city and Quinn would like to think that she’s a different girl, but she’s slowly realizing that she’s not. She’s still Lucy deep down underneath it all. She’s still the girl who listened on completely captivated by Grandma Lucy tales. She’s still the girl who tripped over Santana’s backpack, the girl who got caught up in mischief and friendship before she got caught up in love. She’s still The Quinn Fabray. Q. Lucy Quinn. Lucy, and worst of all Quinnie.
Time didn’t get rid of all these different versions of herself, not like she thought it would. Time didn’t grant her any answers like she had always assumed, just because she was an adult.
And that’s the problem, right? Because Santana and her…they both got older and yeah, sure, they both changed. They roughed out and cleared the lines of what made them who, but only in the finer details. The problem is that deep down Quinn is still that sixteen year old girl who couldn’t admit to herself that she was in love with her best friend and Santana is still the same sixteen year old girl who would rather do anything else instead of acknowledging that.
Trying to finish a Quinntana story is rough when you’re lazy. I have to read, reread, write, and rewrite. Everything is like BLEH but I’m getting there! And to ease your souls, here’s a quote from one of my favorite stories on fanfiction.net that I feel sums up Quinn’s/Santana’s relationship in Taking Steps:
"I feel like I love her. I pine like I love her. I suffer like I love her. I believe like I love her. I act like I love her – Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes not (see: telling her to fuck off). I think like I love her. I love like I love her."
Being a vegetarian is hard when your family is Mexican.
It’s like, “oh, you don’t want to eat meat because you feel bad for the animals??? LET ME DANGLE ALL OF THIS DELICIOUS FOOD MADE FROM CREATURES (AND OTHER THINGS) UNDER YOUR NOSE UNTIL YOU CURL INTO A BALL AND CRY FROM HUNGER.”
I can smell everything. And it’s sad.
Every time somebody asks me a question on tumblr or replies to one of my posts, I feel insanely hip.
And then I remember that I don’t know how to reply back.
tears, who knew you could come so quickly??
It has occurred to me that I always use a bunch of exclamation points when writing or texting.
Like, wth, I’m not trying to give the impression that I’m excited 100% of the time.
If I’m being honest, it’ll be a minimum of at LEAST two weeks. I’m in NYC (away from home!) until mid December. And when I do get back home, my focus will be on Taking Steps is Easy (b/c it’s almost done).
This is the order in which I plan to update in the coming month:
1. Taking steps
Hopefully you can stick out this waiting period a little longer! :) Also, thank you for the compliment. I cherish all of them.
Not creepy at all!! I took it off because I want to rework and if I left it on fanfiction.net I would have never gotten to it! My update pace has severely softened and I want to turn it back around! Have no fear, it will show up again, the only question is when!
Hello there!! I am very happy you found me too :). Unfortunately I’m like 80 years old at heart and constantly feel this dire urge to shy away from technology, haha. I didn’t mean to not respond for this long and I give you my sincere apologies for making you wait!
As for me, I am doing very well. I’m in NYC right now which has also contributed to my lack of responses/Internet availability. I am a lot better than I was all those months ago! How about yourself?
You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Hello! Let me just start this off by saying I am very, very flattered. This is in no way awkward! In fact, I’m rather charmed :). I find it immensely rewarding when any person connects to what I write, so thank you for being so kind! As for your question, I see no issue with exchanging ideas!